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What if I can not do it by the end of September? I will still live and breathe.
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What if I disappoint everyone? Who?
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What if I never finish? So?
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What if my work is pointless? Ohh, like life isn’t.
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What if I never get my scholarship? No, I can’t lose money to this govt.
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What if I stay a failure forever? If we live long, we succeed, that’s all.
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What are you most excited about with this PhD? When I first chose this topic, I thought working on this region would give me some peace of mind. Now, I am excited about the prospects of being Dr Diksha Bhati. I am excited about the world that opens up for me with a PhD degree in hand. I am excited about seeing the smiles on the faces of my loved ones at the convocation. I am excited to make my parents and partner proud of my achievement. I know it could not happen without them. I am excited to learn to work efficiently. I will be the Diksha I have always wanted to be. Someone with a means and an end.
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What if I finish everything by the end of September? I will be the happiest person alive. I could move on in life. I can leave it all behind and be in peace. A part of my life that only ever put me down will be over. I can get married, travel, have kids, and love my baby forever. I can take on a real hobby. Learn to sing and dance and paint and cry and laugh and be crazy and adorable. I could actually have a home this time. A chance at a really beautiful life with Abhishek.
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What if I make everyone proud (including myself)? A finished thesis would be best for my heart, soul and mind. Everyone who loves me is rooting for me. I am rooting for me.
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What if I finish strong and with purpose? Once I have done good enough work, I can work on writing a book from my thesis. I can dive deep into the reality of things related to the thesis.
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What if my work makes a real impact? After I publish my thesis, it might help someone years later, some lost scholar like me, see my thesis in a library and find the courage to carry on with life.
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What would happen if this dream came true? I would die of happiness. I could not ask for anything more. I can get a teaching job if I like or start a company with the target population involved. I could help a community thrive. I could go on and give lectures about my work. I could join the government in its policy-making process.
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And what if things work out even better than I imagined? I would be so proud of myself. My personal life will be more prosperous for the completion of this thesis. There is so much riding on it.
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What if I get the scholarship, and it opens amazing doors? I can finally spoil my baby, my parents, and my brother. Get something for the kids in my family on all sides. They have all grown up so much, and I could never really get them anything. If I get the scholarship, I can do that for them. I can save some money for a grand piano for Abhishek.
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What if I’ve never been a failure and am still becoming who I’m meant to be? I am grateful for my life. I know I will soon have some peace of mind.